Deep thoughts

Urga, Shinjuku May 2, 2012

Tonight… well the time after I got back home.. as in now after midnight, I have traveled a tad deeper in thought than I usually do after a live gig.

I’m have been thinking of the psyche of mankind….of how connected our desires are with habit and unfortunately also with a lack of awareness of the [mental] harm we often do to ourselves.
We seem sometime to be living our moments called LIFE without even having the ABILITY to reflect over our short-comings, and even less ability to change, once we are aware of them.

Desires from the ‘self’ to be loved and to be ‘seen’, to get ‘attention’  from others, somehow take over and we act contradictory to how we should have,
….if we really and truly loved ourselves.

It is not easy to be human sometimes… all the emotions that pop up and stir us around in different directions…. feelings that cause worries, or cause a sense of loneliness…
The same ability to form thought and emotion…. is there so we can feel love and compassion….
Without empathy mankind would not last long….
but why does this total destructiveness have to be the other side of the coin?

I’m actually not sad tonight.. I’m rather happy … really I am… and I’m very, very grateful for what I am able to participate in and all the performances I can see here in Japan.
Often in the US, I joked about coming from another planet when I did not understand certain cultural phenomena or behaviors… but here in Japan I sometimes feel that I must truly be a total alien….ha ha ha
But that can also be a very good thing!

Here I have the opportunity to take a step back, to really see a ‘whole’ of mankind’s many behavioral aspects.. and especially how many ‘truths’ that are socially constructed.. and are not really TRUE…
Some behavior is also very very universal… sex, romance, relationships, and this need of feeling loved seems to be a very core human need.. probably so we would make more children and continue populate this planet… We just act on it a little differently across the globe … our habits vary a little… but really they are only small tiny ripples on the surface of a very deep ocean…an Ocean of habits and emotions we SHARE….

Why am I writing about all this under a video of this awesome Japanese dancer… after all I was at a live house… what caused this…
Thoughts about hide’s death of course and my own reasons of being here in Japan.
The fact that I started to become too attached emotionally to my objective….
For me personally it has always been necessary to have a drive that is as strong as Passion , based in LOVE for LIFE and LOVE and FIRE for what I do…
but sometimes maybe it’s gone wrong… desires that blindly push take over….
I don’t listen… I don’t pause and see, reflect over my actions or feelings.. and yet I get upset when things don’t go ‘my way’.

Funny thing is… it often takes another human who acts in this destructive way before I can realize that I too is a victim of myself.
I too , act counter to what would be beneficial for myself.
So I decided a few days back that “Hey, stop, pause, detach yourself, and live in the moment again! ” Then it will all make sense again…
How I wish I could have this clear in my head every day…. but some days this total realization of truth evades me… evaporates… up into thin air and I cannot seem to hold on to it.
then I get reminded… by seeing someone else trying to hold on, trying to push, trying to fulfill desires of being loved and almost trying to force another person to love you back.. of course it doesn’t work that way, and then the tears, the harsh feeling of rejection…which actually stems from ourselves,
but when we are right in that moment, we are totally unable to see our own part in it.

This is just one instance in life which works well as an example… my problem was similar by trying to push for my passion so hard that I stopped listening to the subtle signals around me….

Then I remembered…not only because of this incident tonight (involving someone else) .. I remembered hide’s message to me... it was not a promise of “do whatever you want”…. it was a message of freedom and a message of NOW…

there is only this MOMENT…for the Pink Spider… 

That feeling of total presence occurred to me… came to me…. when I saw this Japanese guy dance tonight.
Totally one with his passion, with his dance, 
in an artform so skillfully performed that I was totally spell-bound and almost forgot to applause afterwards because I was paralyzed by the beauty of what I have seen and heard…
This is my life… and I am so HAPPY to be part of it 😛